You had everything: walks in the moonlight, candlelight dinners, passionate sex, romance. In an instant, all this was gone. “I'm leaving you,” the fatal words break from her beloved lips, and the whole world is crumbling. You can upholster the thresholds of his apartment and call at night, breathing languidly into the phone. And you can pull yourself together and forever put an end to feelings for someone who could not make you happy.
How to forget the man who left
The trauma resulting from breaking up a relationship causes the soul the same pain that it can physically inflict upon the body by striking a person. Continuing to see the analogy between physical and mental suffering, let us recall what happens to us when we receive bodily injury. Shock comes first. We may not even feel pain in the first moments. Then it covers us. We are starting to cry. We report our misfortune to everyone from whom we want to receive help and support. The doctor prescribes treatment. We try to follow all the recommendations, take medicine, we want to recover as soon as possible. Time passes, the wound heals. Health is good again. One must also cope with mental pain: treat and scrupulously follow the recommendations of psychologists until health returns.
Don't be fooled
First you need to realize that quickly forget your beloved man will not succeed. Still, he occupied an important place in life, you spent a lot of time with him, and it just doesn’t go away. There will be some negative feelings, and trying to forget them or push them away is pointless, and maybe even harmful.
If you see that a man does not love you, do not try to extend the relationship. Sooner or later, he will tear them himself, so it is better to do it first. So at least you will not feel abandoned, and this will only add to your suffering, because wounded pride will also be added to unhappy unrequited love.
Try to admit that your relationship is futile. The longer this person is around, the more you will immerse yourself in your love and yearn for it. Accordingly, the more painful you will be later. Nothing that will be difficult for you to be aware of all this - feel this pain, cry, grieve. Grief is the beginning of separation.
Focus on the negative traits of his character or appearance
He has flaws. Love is blinding, you ignore everything that an objective person would not like, from small errors in behavior to significant character flaws. The time has come to open our eyes to some negative qualities in order to balance its positive features. Begin to actively search and notice all its shortcomings. Perhaps he constantly interrupts everyone, puts on tasteless clothes, rubs the staff in your favorite cafe, listens to terrible music, shows complete disrespect for your system of life values, or, finally, he always has wet and sticky hands - isn't that disgusting ?!
Collect in the "piggy bank" as many unpleasant emotions as possible in relation to your man. Write them down. Make a list until at least something comes to mind, trying to pull out the ins and outs of your beloved. This will help to kill the idealized vision of the man who has owned you so far. Learn to look at him critically.
Get rid of his presents
You have a whole collection of movie tickets where you went together, napkins from a cafe where you spent time on rainy evenings, yellow leaves from his favorite park and so on. And here is this teddy bear that he presented for his birthday. And the whole kilometers of your correspondence in your email inbox. Get rid of it.
Make room in your life for new relationships. If you sit and sigh over photographs of a former lover, you cannot forget and stop loving him.
Speak with others
Now is not the time to think that you are complaining or annoying your friends - pronouncing your loss helps to make it conscious. Tell them how bad you are and what is missing after the break.
Just do not scream about your pain to everyone and everyone. Choose the circle of people whom you will devote to the changes in your personal life, based on the principle of "do no harm." Relatives will try to express sympathy and support, but colleagues at work may disapprove of such frankness. Therefore, limit the circle of people with whom you will talk about your misfortune.
In psychology, there is a method by which you can talk about your pain until you want to stop talking about the same thing for the hundredth time.
This method is very suitable even for those who are accustomed to avoiding the intrusion of strangers into their lives: by telling your first drama about your drama (subject to his consent to listen), you do not risk that it will be made public. If even such a contact seems too personal, call the helpline. At some point, you will feel that there is no power left to procrastinate the same thing in the tenth circle, and you are tired of listening to advice on how to forget your beloved.
Find your strengths
You should not be tormented by thoughts that you did something wrong and in some ways turned out to be too bad, uninteresting, ugly, fat, since the former left you. So you will only become more depressed. Decide for yourself: we broke up not because someone is better, but someone is worse, but because we are not meant for each other.
The next thing you should do is take a piece of paper and write down on it all your best features. Describe the strengths of your character, and the advantages of your appearance. Try to keep this list as long as possible. Put or hang it in a prominent place and re-read each time it catches your eye. Keep adding to the list as new facts come to mind about your appeal.
Rereading and filling out this page further, you will cease to look for flaws in yourself and begin to believe that you are an interesting, unique and attractive woman who is worthy of happiness. So, you quickly cease to be sad and turn into a positive person.
Laughter and tears
Laughter heals, it has long been proven. Therefore, try to be where the atmosphere of fun prevails, and try to create such a mood yourself. For example, watch humorous programs and good comedies, listen only to incendiary, cheerful music, read columns with jokes in magazines and newspapers.
Crying is also good, especially at first. We feel better after we get paid. There is much evidence of the healing power of tears. Some of them were discovered and described by the American biochemist William Frey, who for fifteen years led the team to study this phenomenon. One of its conclusions is emotional tears (compared to tears from irritating the mucous membranes of the eyes, such as when you cut onions) contain toxic waste from biochemical processes that occur in the body. Crying removes toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So grab more handkerchiefs and cry ad libitum.
Avoid meetings and any reminders
If you’re associated with a music or song, stop playing that music. If in some places you are most likely to meet your ex, stop appearing there if you have mutual friends, then during the period of emotional healing, try to communicate with those people who do not know anything about him.
If you cannot avoid meeting and still continue to intersect with him (for example, you study or work together), stop communicating with this person. Listen to music on the headphones to ignore the familiar timbre of his voice, dine somewhere else, go to work or study on new routes. Try not to create prerequisites for a flash of new emotions, because they will only delay your healing from unrequited love.
Find ways to keep yourself and your mind busy with something to prevent thoughts and memories that may disturb you.
You cannot force yourself to not think at all, so just occupy your brain with thoughts of something else. Call your friend and chat on a pleasant topic that does not concern your feelings for the man you are trying to forget. Read an interesting book. Watch a good movie, always funny (a melodrama will only disturb your own feelings). Work in the garden or take a walk in the park. Start learning a foreign language. Do whatever you like to occupy your brain and not let yourself be sad! The less you think about this person, the easier it will be for you.
A way out for the senses
When the first sadness passes, you are likely to manifest aggression. The feeling is quite natural and understandable. Anger should not be restrained, although it seems that getting angry at people is not good. Remember, you have the right to aggression. You can yell at an empty chair, write an "angry" letter to the "former" and burn it, destroy any thing that you have left with it. You can even call him and say nasty things - only in a sober form, otherwise it will not be an expression of emotions, but the delirium of a drunken woman.
In general, you should not drag emotions into a tight corset, because they will still burst out - perhaps in the form of neurotic symptoms, psychosomatic disorders and problems in communicating with men. There is one good psychological exercise - living your feelings and merging with them. Let the emotions in, be aware of them and bring yourself to white heat. After that, ask the question: “What do you want now?”. Perhaps you have a desire to break something or destroy something - do not hold it back. Pound a pillow, tear paper or cloth, beat dishes, shout with a good mat - just hide valuable things in advance.
Gradually, the intensity of the soul will decline. The result of the exercise according to the scheme “body - emotions - mind” should be apathy and unwillingness to move, “cotton” muscles, devastation inside the soul and in the head. You should not want to either walk or speak, as if everything had been sucked out with a vacuum cleaner from the inside. However, it could be different: all sorts of thoughts will climb into the head, and the body will remain tense. It is not worth it to be afraid, the exercise, it happens, does not work the first time. Repeat it after a while, and you will reach the goal.
Take the first steps beyond your comfort zone
Psychologist studies show that in order to break old habits and replace them with others, something new must be done. For example, you can go on vacation or even just start going to work on a different, previously unfamiliar route. If you can’t make any major changes in your life, just start with small daily changes.
Visit the part of your city where you have not been before. Go to a new cafe with friends. Join a club of interests and make new acquaintances and new friends. Come up with a new hobby - the possibilities are endless.
Book of happiness
There is a good psychological technique that helps you quickly forget your loved one. It is necessary to have a “Book of Happiness” - a notebook or notepad, where each page is reserved for a certain day of the week. In the headings of each of these pages write the phrase “Happiness today,” and write down every day in the evenings everything that brought at least the slightest joy, any little things of the day. It can be a funny dog on the street, a beautiful handbag on a shop window, a smile of a passerby, blooming flowers and so on. After such examples of “happiness” are written from a dozen pages, the psyche will begin to focus on joyful events, and the trouble will recede.
It is very important during this period to pay close attention to your appearance. After all, the former lover is not the only one on earth, and you are now free, and it is time to look for another prince. We update, as far as possible, the wardrobe, make a new hairstyle and every day we smile at our prettier reflection in the mirror. A smile will sooner or later act as an antidepressant, and new forces for action will appear. Life will become bubbly and will sparkle again with all its colors; there will be no despondency in it. You will understand that parting with a loved one is not the end. They are rather the beginning. The beginning of a new, happy stage.
If you love married
One of the reasons why you should break up, even if you have not broken up, is family ties that bind a man. And not with you. If you understand that you need to leave, but do not dare, or maybe you do not want to listen to anyone and continue to love, hoping for the best, there are at least eight reasons why you should not continue such a relationship.
Eight reasons to forget a married man
He will not be only with you in the future. A man who feels unhappy in marriage would have long left his wife. He is encouraged by your love and worried about the novelty that he found in a relationship with you. He may even say: “I have never felt so happy as with you! I am ready to spend my whole life with you! ”But these words do not mean anything - he does not assume any obligations to you by saying this. Think about it: if he wants to spend his whole life with you, then why is he again in a hurry to his family?
The fact that he is deceiving his wife indicates his inability to deal with unpleasant situations when decisiveness and honesty are needed. This person will resort to the search for roundabout ways even when problems arise in your relationship with him.
Constantly hiding is a tedious task. The need to maintain a relationship in secret can “attack” your self-esteem, in addition, you lose the opportunity to learn many aspects of a happy relationship. Loving people who freely and openly demonstrate their love to the world are filled with the inner light of happiness. And each of them can, without any reservations, be proud of those who go alongside life.
He eats two cakes at once, as the English would say. He has a legal marriage relationship that he does not need to hide and in which he can feel all the joys of living together. He also has extramarital affairs, which help to compensate for everything that he lacks in marriage. What a shame it should be for a woman who loves a married man: he receives all the best from both relationships and is satisfied, and she spends most of her time alone and waiting for rare (and not always happy!) Minutes of communication.
Is it possible to love that man who is so disrespectful to his wife? Deceives her, betrays, changes. It is unlikely that such a person can be called decent. And do not believe all his excuses. He, of course, will bring you a thousand arguments about why he cannot leave his wife, almost shining with pride for his "decency." The point is not only that these reasons are contrived, but also that he is deceiving both his wife and you. Enjoys from two sources, causing two women to suffer at once.
Whether you like it or not, you are an accomplice in a crime against marriage: betraying a person who neglects his duty and betrays his wife’s trust. Not to mention the fact that he inflicts mental trauma on children and loses credibility in their eyes. It’s hard to educate when you don’t see a role model!
A boomerang of guilt may overtake you. Many men (like women) are not able to take responsibility for their false actions. A man is so arranged, it is easier for him to blame someone for his mistakes than to accept a well-deserved shame. If your man is caught red-handed, then do not be surprised when he tries to shift all the responsibility onto you. And then prove to anyone: they didn’t know that he was still sleeping with his wife, and that it turned out to be not a bitch, but a worthy woman. A man will be quickly forgiven for his “prank”, and in the eyes of people you will remain an insidious homemaker who tried to break up the family and take away their support and breadwinner from the wife and children.
You lose time and miss the opportunity to be happy with another man, and often the opportunity to have a baby. You can wait endlessly when he breaks off his relationship with his wife and tells you in the registry office "I love" already on a legal basis, but the fact that this has not happened so far speaks for itself.
Time is too valuable to be wasted. Even if you are not comfortable being just a lover, a relationship with a married man can last a very long time. When the women, who were in such relationships, nevertheless decided to break them, they regretted precisely the time wasted.
If you are aware of everything that we just told you about, this can be a good impetus to forgetting a man, even if you love him. And then it will be easier to begin to implement the plan.
How to watch movies
Take a blanket, sit down more comfortably on the sofa, pour hot tea or wine. These films are treated no worse than qualified psychologists:
- "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind",
- "Be my boyfriend for 5 minutes,"
- "Celeste and Jesse forever,"
- Ruby Sparks
- «Поезд на Дарджиллинг».
Если вы человек читающий, список для вас:
- Юлия Рублева «Девочка и пустыня»,
- Мария Метлицкая «После измены»,
- Фредерик Бегбедер «Любовь живет три года»,
- Екатерина Михайлова «Я у себя одна, или Веретено Василисы»,
- Джон Грей «Исцеление сердца».
Лекции специалиста в области психологии межличностных отношений Руслана Нарушевича учат не только безболезненно переживать расставание, но быть счастливой без мужчин. According to the psychologist, this ability leads to the appearance of healthy, strong relationships that end in marriage.