Many young women have a negative attitude towards the ex-woman of their partner, they think badly about her, they are jealous or hate. What is the reason for obsessive thoughts is unknown, but the fact remains that the ex-girlfriend of your man literally bathes in the rays of your hatred.
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Hating a stranger, let alone a stranger, is stupid and pointless, and there are 5 main reasons for this.
What is hate? Reasons for its occurrence
This is a feeling of strong hostility to a person. You can hate your ex for serious reasons or for any trifle reason. But most often it occurs when a person has suffered extreme suffering.
The main reasons are as follows:
- Constant betrayal of the second half. Some, knowing this lover's weakness, turn a blind eye to this and continue to meet. But pain, resentment, and then hatred fill the heart more and more. Others, having learned only about one fact of infidelity, instantly abandon their boyfriend or spouse, and begin to sincerely and frankly hate him.
- Quarrels and beatings. If the chosen one at least once raised a girl’s hand, hatred immediately settles in her soul. This will not appear immediately, the companion will tolerate it for the time being. But is love possible for a man who constantly beats his chosen one?
- Insults and humiliation. Often you can observe such a picture. A decent beautiful couple is walking holding hands, suddenly a man begins to yell at a girl with strangers, to humiliate and insult her feelings. This situation is complicated by the fact that a woman accumulates resentment in herself. And if she still decides to break off such a relationship, she begins to desperately hate her ex.
- Woman's love for another man. If a girl falls in love again, she sees in her new partner only good qualities. He becomes for her the standard of a real man. Accordingly, the former begins to annoy her with absolutely everything: appearance, character, conversation.
- The girl likes to be a victim. She begins to blame the separation of her partner, and it gives her pleasure. From her lips you can hear a bunch of stories about how she was betrayed, humiliated, insulted. To stop hating the former, you need to stop being a victim.
There are situations when a girl cannot explain why she hates her ex. What then to do?
A few tips about causeless hatred
In the event that the girl understands that hatred arose spontaneously, for unknown reasons, the following can be advised:
- calm down and think about the whole situation. Perhaps anger is caused by physical or emotional fatigue. Relax, go to an entertainment event, and negative emotions to the former disappear,
- you need to imagine that you will never see this person again, that he will simply disappear from life. How did you feel? Pain or resentment? So, you still love this person, you need to try to return him. If joy and indifference, then you need to try to get rid of hatred and live your life without thinking about the past,
- must be able to forgive. Hatred eats from the inside, this can cause a variety of physical and mental illnesses,
- you need to remember the most pleasant moments from your shared past. Then you will understand that you have no reason to hate
- try talking to your ex boyfriend. From the conversation you will understand how recent love relates to you. Perhaps he will even apologize for something or give a surprise. Then past grievances will be forgotten.
In order to completely eradicate hatred in oneself, a sufficiently long period of time must pass. Every day, the most harmful thoughts will appear in the head and in the soul. But as a result, you will understand how hateful indifference comes to replace hate.
Basic steps to get rid of negative feelings
In our life, everything happens imperceptibly and instantly. So it is with young people. A girl, when parting, sometimes experiences heartache, hostility, fear or hatred. Most often this happens if the beloved did not do well with you. There are several tips that psychologists give: how to stop hating the former and leave him alone.
- write letters to your ex-young man in which you express everything to him. Tell how you hate him, what you want him to. Describe in detail what you would like to do with him, how to revenge and punish. But just do not send this letter, but simply burn or tear it to shreds. Over time, anger will subside, the desire to write letters each time will be less and less, in the end you will understand that you stopped hating him, thinking, and then completely forget about his existence,
- Another way that is always able to help: try to get involved in other things, travel, make new interesting acquaintances. You need to find the person you love, only then you can calm the hatred of the former man,
- if you feel really bad, then you should consult a psychologist. Several sessions will help you to think less about hate, that you want to do something with it,
- try not to meet with your former partner, especially immediately after breaking up. Otherwise, you can’t stand it and throw destructive emotions and anger into his face, which you will regret after some time. If you need to exchange some things, use the help of mutual friends. Do not be left alone
- love yourself. Give your tense body a rest - take a relaxing bath, drink a cup of tea. Perfectly distracts from negative thoughts shopping trip. Indulge yourself with a new new thing, a delicious piece of cake. Engage in your favorite hobby. Then you just won’t have time to think about hatred,
- try not to be alone. Visit your parents, friends, and places of rest more often: parks, museums, theaters. Communicate more, get acquainted, develop,
- make a list of your most secret desires. Follow the intended goal by phasing out a plan for achieving it. Especially remember those dreams that could not be realized with a lover. They need to be done first. This will help increase self-esteem and eliminate hateful feelings.
Sometimes a person is afraid to let go of hatred, because this is a connection with the former. Think about whether she is needed. Perhaps love still lives in the heart? Analyze your relationship. If they were built on reproaches, insults, quarrels, humiliations, boldly wave your hand and let him go.
Remember, while experiencing negative emotions, it will not be easy for you to establish personal life. A happy present and future cannot penetrate the soul. You lose your own “I”, since it is the former lover who remains in the center of thoughts anyway. It is more significant for you than you yourself.
The main thing is to stop delving into your past. It is necessary, without looking back, to move on. Throw away all your grievances, think about the future. Otherwise, hatred will destroy everything in life: love, family, career, and you as a person. One must learn to forgive and let go.
How to stop hating an ex-husband?
In order to get rid of the feeling of hatred, you need to identify the cause of its occurrence. You can’t just hate a person like that. Once he was dear and delivered positive emotions, gave love and, and at one point it all stopped. The reasons for this can be very different.
After realizing the reasons, it is necessary to think about whether a person could act differently. To do this, it is best to put yourself in his place. Perhaps he had no other choice. Of course, it is difficult to understand and forgive insults and humiliations, but often the development of hatred does not come from the fact that the husband had unpleasant actions, but because the woman allowed him to do this. Accepting this and realizing, the answer to the question of how to stop hating her husband will come by itself.
Hatred has a devastating effect on any person. And the one who hates has health problems. It is not often possible to express one's hatred towards an object, therefore it is most important to overcome it and let go of the past.
Yana, hello. Thank you for this section and the opportunity to ask you a question. You are extraordinary, mentally sending you the rays of good and the positive energy of furry cats,)
My question is: how to let go of the old grudge? The fact is that I still hate my ex-husband.
I met him at 19, he is the same age. He was such a funny convivial boy-gouging boy, it was my first love. I loved him madly, we felt good together. In fact, the calls were already then, but what would I understand in those years. We somehow immediately began to live together, quickly got married. Sometimes it seemed to me that this was a fairy tale. True, she gradually turned into a nightmare. For all its good features, it was such that I now recall with horror. He is a convinced freeloader. I never really worked normally, constantly got into some kind of debt (which I was not going to repay). Sometimes he was affectionate and wonderful, but in a bad mood he could be rude and even hit. I did not notice the interests of other people, in principle, only mine. Every my birthday (as well as March 8 and other holidays) brought me frustration - I was worried every time that again he would not give me anything. Usually it was (He said later that he didn’t have time to buy a gift (although in fact he could have had a desire). I didn’t need expensive gifts - I just wanted attention. I remember March 8 when he promised to arrange a holiday for me on the eve, As a result, they stayed dry until one o’clock in the afternoon, then slowly began to pack up for the store. Then I was offended and went to see my friends. He also asked me to wake him up in the morning. I woke up. It took about 30 minutes, in the end I got nerves and I just started Yelling at him. Sometimes I got it in the face for it. He could disappear for several days and not for to stink (and the phone is unavailable), then it turned out that he just went to drink with friends. I was worried. Problems with alcohol. This is a different story. He had a very old one and now I understand very clearly that everything could be seen from the very beginning. At the end of our relationship (that is, after 5 years), he drank every day. On good days it was beer, after which he simply behaved disgustingly. On bad days, of course, that was stronger. He came home at night, barely stood on his feet, demanded attention ("what, you do not like me like that? it means you don’t love me and you never loved "), you could hit me, you didn’t remember anything the next morning. I fumbled with him as if I were a little child, undressed, put me to bed.
I am writing all this and I see some kind of continuous stream of chernukha. In fact, it was good. Once I really felt good with him, I was happy. And he loved me, oddly enough. I also understand that the very fact that I generally got into this relationship, suggests that I myself am not doing well in my head. In any case, it was not all good. I understand that I had to leave after I hit for the first time. But then everything seemed cloudless (except for this incident), I could not imagine life without him, he apologized.
We broke up five years after a big scandal. He attacked me with a hangover, I was afraid that he would be crippled or worse. Accident saved me. That evening I changed the locks.
Six years have passed since then. For a long time, everything has been working out for me - with my personal life, and with self-esteem, and in general. But I still hate him. It pains me to hear any mention of this person (from common acquaintances, for example), even his name still causes antipathy. No, I don’t think about him all the time. I actually pushed these memories somewhere inland and live in peace. Sort of. But I remember the old grievances. And the memories of these relationships (when someone reminds me of them) still cause pain. Perhaps it’s time to forgive and release it all. Just how? I understand that I am pouring my energy into a black hole and I want to stop it. Yana, please advise how to let go of your old grievances?
Please post the letter anonymously.
In such cases, it is often said that a person is actually angry with himself. Like, how am I, so smart, like an adult, understanding, got into it. You yourself wrote this expression - that you got into a mess. Many people get it, as if they were “to blame” themselves, they looked at everything wrong, they themselves “fed” such a person so many years of their lives, made so many sacrifices, and all in vain. You have done a lot of unfair things. They say that nothing leaves such insults as injustice in the soul. And then there is injustice with such a bitter element that it seems to be “itself to blame” - nobody really kept you by force.
It seems to me that in such cases it’s still important to forgive the whole story for herself.
It was like that when I was crying with a psychologist, and I was angry with myself. I thought that I understand people, and I can think with my head and see what is happening around. And I didn’t see so many things, and for a long time “didn’t want to see point blank”. And I reproached myself "how could I." The psychologist then told me that I was not a psychiatrist, and not clairvoyant, I was not obliged to see and recognize everything in people, to see everything in advance. And I didn’t recognize some “bells” simply because I didn’t have such experience before. I didn’t encounter such problems, so I habitually “believed in the best” and all convinced myself that “everything is not so scary.” And she also believed a man every time when he promised that everything would be fine, and convinced me that, in fact, everything was fine.
This is not a shame, and it is not an unforgivable mistake to be naive, inexperienced and make mistakes. And they also say that some bitter experience for a person, in fact, for some reason was needed. This is not a universal rule. But at least you can try to think in this direction: you have lost a lot in these years, but look at it from the other side. You also learned a lot. You will remember this experience. Next time, you will recognize this by a mile and a half, and you will not contact such people anymore. After all, you have arranged your life - that means you have learned to choose the right partners.
In general, on the one hand, forgive yourself this story, and it seems to me that it will become easier for you to live. Tell yourself that a lot of bad things happened there, and it took so long because you wholeheartedly tried to do everything the best. And they tolerated, tried to save the relationship, because they were serious about them, and you had a big credit of trust for the person. These are good traits. And what did not work out happens. And that there is a lot of injustice in life - unfortunately it also happens.
We now had a post on how to deal with unbearable injustice. I don’t know if you remember that discussion. There, terrible things were discussed, as the loss of loved ones. And then, all those who commented, including those who experienced this, wrote that nothing helps here, except to turn their faces to life and think about other things. To live for those who stayed, for the children, for those who love us. And for the sake of what makes us happy and makes us happy.
While lamenting about injustice, we feed ourselves even more to this injustice. And we can only stop it with a willful decision. And here methods like "not thinking about a white monkey" do not help - from such thoughts we think more about it. You just have to try to immerse yourself in something else, good. If you recall a hated husband, tell yourself that he is not worthy of these your thoughts, and that you should not spend so much nervous energy on him. Better take all of it, and invest in something else that will benefit you.
In general, I wish you to somehow make peace with yourself, and with this situation, and learn to think about something else. You have so many good things in life! :-)
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Hatred ... Happy is a man who has never experienced this terrible, destructive feeling, did not writhe in emotional convulsions, while smiling benevolently at the subject of hatred, who did not experience the pain of understanding his own powerlessness without any hope of somehow calming the anger. Не желая отбирать хлеб у психологов, женский журнал MyWay, тем не менее, попробует разобраться в проблеме и, может быть, дать несколько дельных советов читательницам по поводу того, как избавиться от напасти, а именно, как перестать ненавидеть.
Человеконенавистничество – медленное самоубийство.
Ненависть - сильное чувство неприязни к другому человеку, самому себе, недовольства жизнью или обстоятельствами. Люди способны ненавидеть как собственное тело, так и весь окружающий мир. The most powerful and destructive feeling is self-loathing.
Sometimes hatred arises at one moment as a result of some actions or statements of another person, sometimes anger and irritation accumulate over the years, eventually turning into a burning, irresistible feeling, which is almost impossible to cope with.
Hatred is a destructive feeling. It gives people a lot of energy, which in this case cannot be directed at anything positive. Hatred longs for ruins and scorched earth, alien grief.
Hatred primarily harms the one who hates. Hater is exposed to its destructive effects. Many diseases, both physical and mental, are caused by this terrible feeling.
Judge for yourself, a huge negative energy literally bursts you from the inside at the sight of an object of your anger or even mention of it. In this case, most often you can not show your emotions in all their heat, you have to restrain yourself. Where does the energy go? That's right, she gets inside, destroying everything in her path.
Feeling that it’s impossible to live like that anymore, people begin to think about how stop hating. Hatred will not go away on its own, it must be firmly grasped. It takes a long time to work on the cure for hatred, every day, every hour. If you are a believer, the appeal to God and confession will help.
Often people think that stop hating they can only if the hated person dies. But this rarely brings relief. Upon learning that the person whose hatred they cultivated and cherished dear years has died, they relax and realize that they even feel sorry for him. Resentment seems small and insignificant. And then a person has a chance, having spent half his life in hatred, to spend the other half, tormented by guilt.
Meanwhile, having spent a lot of time nurturing plans for revenge, or simply constantly thinking about the object of hate, with the loss of this very object, the hater simply loses meaning in life. No matter how scary it sounds, but it really happens.
Therefore, if you experience such feelings, you must by all means try to get rid of it, stop hating.
Without claiming to be the laurels of a specialist psychologist, I still want to give some advice, rather even indicate the direction in which you should try to move. At one time, this method also helped me.
How to stop hating. Step one: find the reason
Hatred cannot arise from scratch, although sometimes the question of why we hate a person, we can answer that we are annoyed by his very presence on earth, we hate him just for what he is.
In fact, there is a reason for hatred, and it is extremely concrete. Another thing is that it can be completely insignificant, and over time we can even forget about it. And the anger will remain. Often it is the understanding of the insignificance of reason that helps a person to stop hating.
Maybe the person you hate said or did something that pissed you off and led to complete rejection. Or maybe you hate the boss who harasses you every day. Or is it a relative of your husband or friend (you cannot refuse to meet with) who behaves completely unacceptably for you? Find out the reason, and it will be easier for you to take the next step.
How to stop hating. Step two: put yourself in his place
Another person, no matter how surprising it may sound, may not even suspect your hatred. He can do something without knowing how it affects you. Moreover, others do not suspect your attitude towards him. Still, where should they suspect something was wrong, if you are exaggeratedly kind and attentive to the object of your hatred. It is the hated person that causes us increased attention and the desire to be pleasant. After all, our goal is to hide our feelings, to prevent emotions from breaking through.
As a result, we get what we get. And all you need to talk to this person, ask him to change his behavior, to think about the statements. How many internal conflicts have been resolved in this way!
But it also happens that, putting yourself in his place, you understand that he does nasty things, in your understanding, only out of a desire to annoy you. He is well aware of your feelings and angers you to be able to enjoy the manifestation of your emotions or to watch your attempts to suppress them in yourself with pleasure.
Why is he doing this? Yes, simply because he likes it. Apparently there are some reasons, most often complexes, that prevent him from establishing normal contacts with people, drawing attention to his person in some other way.
Maybe you hate the person who did the wrong thing. Think about why a person has done this or is doing it. Did he do something terrible? And what would you do in his place? What do you think, could you do the same in a similar situation? Maybe you will understand that an unsightly act is simply a manifestation of a person’s weakness.
So I will bring you to the next step.
How to stop hating. Step Three: Try to Forgive
As we saw, nasty actions and words are most often caused by the fact that a person is weak and follows his own weakness. No matter how insidious he looks, this is most often just weakness.
It is this thought that should help you forgive him and calm down. It is easy to say: “Forgive!”, But how to do it if you hate with all your heart? If, at the very thought of this person, the stomach contracts, it is impossible to eat or sleep, and yet thoughts constantly revolve around the object of hatred.
There is one simple exercise that can help you. The main idea is that every person has a soul. She is innocent and beautiful as a child. So imagine this person in the form of a small child. This may be difficult, but you should not feel any contradiction at this stage. After all, the object of your anger once really was a baby, he had loving mom and dad, he was naive and touching.
Imagine that this child continues to live inside this person. He is scared and unhappy, he closes his eyes every time the “master" tells you nasty things or provokes you. Have pity on the baby, let him understand in a voice, intonations that you know about him, pity him, are ready to support.
This does not mean that when an unpleasant person appears, you should approach him, knock on his chest and say something like: “Hey, baby, I know you're there.” No, just talk to the person the way you would talk to a child. Do not be fooled by provocations, have pity on his small pure soul, instead of hating.
To many, this exercise may seem stupid and useless. This is until you try. I used this technique on my own time. The hatred of the man was so strong that I even began to treat his relatives badly, because they put up with him and even manage to love.
The object of my hatred hurt me, said nasty things, did dirty tricks. And he didn’t even enjoy his victories, he didn’t care, he simply believed that he had the right to do so, well, simply because he did not like me.
Only having understood the situation, highlighting specific reasons, finding out what exactly supports my hatred and trying to understand why he behaves this way, I saw what his reasons (albeit unfair, but understandable), understood why he does just that (just because other methods are not available to him, since he is the easiest to do). I was able to forgive him his own imperfection, stupid complexes, I could even regret it.
The process was slow, it was rather difficult, but I tried to learn to perceive a person as a certain object of the experiment, to distract from my hostility at least for a while. Then she was able to see the baby in him and talk only with him.
As a result, the last few years we have a peaceful relationship. The man has stopped intriguing and talking nasty things and even treats me with some warmth. I didn’t love him with all my heart, it’s simply impossible, but I perceive him normally, without anger and hostility and do not grit my teeth when he comes to my house.
I do not claim that this method is a panacea, but in not too neglected cases, with your great desire, of course, it can work. I really hope that he will help someone stop hating , and the world will become one who hates less.
If you can’t cope with yourself, and your hatred is so great that you can’t tame it for a while in order to at least analyze the situation impartially, it’s better to turn to a specialist.